Da Vinci Devilry

In today's New York Times, there's an open letter to Ron Howard from the Catholic League. The heading reads, "Label 'The Da Vinci Code' Fiction." Apparently, the League is very concerned that Dan Brown's bestseller is filled with malicious lies intended to mislead the gullible faithful. And now the apocalypse is upon us with the imminent release of the movie. They want the filmmakers to include a disclaimer saying something to the effect that what you are about to see is NOT a true story. The impassioned whine which ensues inspired me to write the reply I'd love to see Ron publish.

OPEN LETTER TO THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE:
GO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN MOVIE AND LABEL IT WHATEVER YOU DAMNED WELL PLEASE

I will not place a disclaimer at the beginning of my new movie The Da Vinci Code (Release date: May 19 all over America at a theatre near you!) I have faith the general public will recognize the superbudget, summer blockbuster they are sitting down to watch in the gargantuan megaplex is a movie, not sober documentary. I admit the lines of fantasy and reality blur sometimes in Hollywood (you would not believe the number of people who still think my name is Ritchie Cunningham!), but last I checked, nobody fears the end of the world if little Willow does not save the baby princess (as he most assuredly does in my movie Willow--available to rent at your local video shop or to buy at your friendly Wal Mart!).

In response to your main points:

*There is no historical proof Jesus fancied Mary Magdalene. There's no proof he didn't. The historical record is actually strangely silent on the subject of Il Savior's fantasy life. By default, then, it must be true. Or false. Gee, the historicity is rather oblique to the point of being absurd. I guess that's when people fall back on faith.

*You are right, the divinity of Jesus was not made up in the 4th Century. It was the 1st Century, by a guy named Felix, in his tiny flat, in Galilee. The newly created, almighty Jesus proceeded to smite the unbeliever within seconds of deification. It's that kind of gratitude that has caused problems for several centuries now. Thanks, Felix.

*Did I mention it's a movie?

Please feel free to picket my film this coming summer and help push up revenues. A good controversy is always welcome in my business.

RH (a.k.a. Ritchie)

P.S. For you eager protesters (and movie-goers), the release date, one more time, is May 19. That's Memorial Day weekend. Most people get a three day weekend. Use the extra day to see Da Vinci Code again. Thanks!